Will you stop measuring your child up against others? Please? Right now?
Hello Maa’m,
Sir, You don’t know me, but the living proof of your reproduction
capabilities, who has just handed over the newspaper to you and is
now discreetly checking out your facial
expression as you read this, does. And it is for him or her that I’m
writing this letter to you.
Not sure if you
noticed, but your offspring hasn’t really been happy lately. By
lately, I mean ever since a few
minutes after his birth, when you first uttered ‘the complexion is
good but the birth-weight is
a little less than the boy born yesterday in the adjoining room.’
That marked the entry of your
child, who I am certain you love most dearly, into your ‘inch-tape’
world.
As he or she
grew older, your inch-tape started closing in on her, with reminders
that unlike her, the
neighbour’s child drinks milk without any fuss, or that her cousin
is 2 cm taller even when she’s
forty days younger. As years passed, the calendars on your wall
changed, but your
measuring tape did not. Because the cousin was not just still taller,
she had also got 94 percent in exams
when your poor Pappu was languishing at mere 92.7. Your constant
reminders that the others will get admission at better places, that
the others will get better jobs
and that the others will have a better life, are actually
contributing towards ensuring that
the others indeed get a better life. Because your child is too busy
trying to deal with your
inch-tape. Can you, for the sake of their happiness and world peace,
do the following
three things?
(‘world peace’ added just to make it sound cooler. Not everything
in life has a logical
explanation, people!!).
1. Can you
give your son or daughter a 30-minute appointment today?
Closed door,
heart to heart meeting, in which you will let your child (only up to
80 years
old) tell you,
in whatever words they can manage, how much it hurts them when you
comparethem with
someone else, be it an outsider or even a sibling. You will not
interrupt, argue or say that you do it
only for their betterment, because they already know that. They know that no one in
the world wants their good more than you do. It still hurts. Just 30
minutes, let them vent it
out. They’ve already promised me they’ll be most respectful. I’m
not asking for you to
change. I’m just asking you to listen. They deserve to be heard.
And all those
who know that their child may not be as expressive verbally, could
you please encourage
your child to write it all down, in a letter or an email, which you
will patiently read? Pakka
Promise?
- Can you manage to find some peaceful moments this week, to sit alone, without your mobile phone or TV anywhere nearby, and remember your growing up years? Try to
remember how you
felt being measured up against others, how during exams, a bigger
cause for tension than not
getting good marks was your friend getting more marks than you. And
then ask yourself if
sub-consciously, you are becoming the reason for a similar tension in
your child’s life? You know
how we are so fond of saying things like, ‘I couldn’t afford this
lifestyle when I was growing
up, so I’ll make sure my child gets it’. The same is applicable
even for peace of mind. If you
didn’t get it as a child because of constant nagging or comparison,
it’s all the more
important you make sure your child does. Basically, if among all
other things, you have unknowingly
inherited your parents’ inch-tape as well, please put it away now.
Also, do you
remember how you secretly began to hate everyone who your parents compared you
with? So, what are you doing now may just be making your child
dislike or hate a classmate,
friend or even a sibling for no fault of theirs.Don’t do that. It’s
just not right.
3. And
finally, ask your spouse,or some close friend to look at your
life at present and honestly evaluate it. You’ve done pretty okay,
haven’t you? Not being able to utter a word when the kid next door
was singing rhymes, not being as tall as Pooja aunty’s son, not
getting as many marks in
the board exam as the boring geek in the coaching centre or not
cracking the IITs or the
IIMs like your elder brother, didn’t really keep you from having a
fairly good life, no? You know
why? Because coming on top in a comparison is just no assurance of a
happy life.
And you know
that. Right? Don’t just nod, kuchh karo na yaar, about this
profound realization I’ve just
spelt out. (thank you,taking a bow). Promise yourself that the next
time you’ll start to give someone
else’s example, in an unhealthy-comparison way, to your child, you
will immediately stop.
In fact, if it
makes it easier, set a code word with your son or daughter to remind
you of this. The moment you
start to compare, they’ll say the code word and you would be
reminded of your promise.
If you’ll do this for your child, I promise on their behalf that
they will also take a vow to never
compare you with anyone else’s parents. Deal?
Source :sonal.kalra @hindustantimes.com
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