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| WHEN YOU'RE EMBARRASSED |
You already know
how to stammer and blush.
Here are the ways
to stay poised and salvage your self-respect.
At the party to
celebrate her first assignment, a model heard a friend loudly
revealing a secret he'd sworn never to tell. “she's pencil-thin
now,” he told his rapt audience, “but you should have seen her
two years ago. She spent an entire summer at a weight-reduction
centre to get that figure.” several people giggled, and the model
wished she could evaporate.
A highly trained
nurse was taking a break with two surgeons who were puzzling over a
tough case. She offered a brilliant solution and asked, “why
don't you try that?”
one surgeon
snapped, “Because I remember you misrecorded the information on a
patient's chart last week.” the nurse turned crimson. All through
their meal, the husband had been trying to impress the couple's
dining companions. When the husband left a huge tip, his wife grabbed
the money, announcing, “ the service wasn't that good.” The
husband slunk out of the restaurant.
We all know
villains like these. They're the friends, colleagues and lovers who,
in public, put their arms around you and quick by revealing a blunder
you've made or by pointing out that you posses the joke-telling
talent of a pea. If you get angry, such culprits will often say that
they were “just joking,” that you're being over-sensitive or have
no sense of humor.
But as sociologist
Edward Gross, who has studied embarrassment for 20 years, points out,
being publicly humiliated usually isn't funny or trivial. When
mortified, most of us get angry, or stammer and blush. But you have
another option to stay logical and take charge of the situation.
Don't spend too
much time fretting, “why did this person do such an awful thing to
me? “some people deliberately embarrass because they feel
threatened or want to punish you for something they feel you've done
to them. Others habitually go for jugular and don't care whom they
humiliate.
But, says
psychologist Barry Schlenker, it's not necessarily correct to assume
the person has some ulterior motive. “It's quite possible he or
she didn't realize you would be hurt.” When you point out the
gaffle, the well-meaning but socially clumsy offender will usually
apologize.
Of course, how you
handle an embarrassing incident depends on the situation. If your
boss has reprimanded you in front of colleagues and is about to do it
again, you can remain calmly assertive by saying, “May we discuss
this in private?”
Likewise, when
hurt by a spouse or close friend, rather than responding with her own
caustie remark, explain that you feel hurt and that if this person
continues to embarrass you, you'll find it difficult to trust him or
her any more.
The next time
someone embarrasses you on purpose, you may need more drastic
measures . Sometimes you must put a stop to it immediately . Say, “
you've certainly managed to embarrass me. Would you mind telling me
what that was all about?” Or, “You seem upset. Is there something
you're unhappy with that I should be aware of ?”
Whatever you do,
avoid blowing up. By losing your poise, you only give the offender
the upper hand, and you may become subject to more hostility.
But quite often,
the best way out is a quick wit and a sense of humour. Edward Gross
tells the classic story of an exchange between two writers, one of
whom has just finished writing a book and is basking in the
compliments of her peers. The second writer, more than a little
jealous, walks up and says, “I like your book. Who wrote it for you
?” “I'm glad you lik
e it,”
she replies. “Who read it to you ?”
Indeed, showing
“grace under pressure” is often the best revenge.
SUE BROWDER,
CONDENSED FROM NEW YORK WOMAN(MAY 1987),NEW YORK.NY
[ ONE CAN have faith in God without knowing it. In fact, perhaps one has only when one thinks one hasn't. Faith is revealed in action.- Mariao soldati, quoted in Corriere della Sera, Milan]
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